He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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