I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize