All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
