I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Randomize
