Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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