i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
