I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize