I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
