what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
