If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
this must be what syphilis tastes like
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
