So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
