He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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