I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
