How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
