no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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