You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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