You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
