That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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