If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
