Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
