It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize