I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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