Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
