he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
God, I missed his penis.
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