Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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