He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
