Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
