Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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