I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
