my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
