I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
