I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
