I want to have your abortion
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize