my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
