I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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