i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i think i have two assholes
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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