The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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