when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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