Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
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