I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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