a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Terrible idea I love it
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
