I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
