that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
