i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
