there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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