The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
