I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
