She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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