need another drink. this is the easiest way
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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