I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
