at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
