i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
