I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
