his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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