I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
