Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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