she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
